Pennies? From Heaven!

Folks:

These economic times have produced some sobering moments for all of us. I have always deemed myself an idealist, but it's impossible to sit around in my ivory tower and ignore what's going on out there in the streets. To that end, I am developing a non-fiction book for people who need some help stashing away a few extra bucks. Not only will this book help so many Americans struggling out there, but I think it's a terrific way to market myself. I could be writing a book that will tap into the zeitgeist of the early 21st century. Plus, it's true, and people like that sort of thing.

Here, friends, is an excerpt from the book I have tentatively titled “Ways to Save: How a Vodka-Loving Bohemian Who Looks Like a Football Player Survived the Crash.” Any insight or advice you can lend would be greatly appreciated before I send this out to prospective publishers. I just hope this helps someone out there who is having trouble making ends meet.

Danny

P.S. I wasn't really a dentist, but I think it makes me sound a little more glamorous. Whatever it takes to sell a few more books, you know?


CHAPTER 6: PENNIES? FROM HEAVEN!

Ever have the following exchange at your favorite convenient store?

You (with Coca-Cola, Hershey’s bar and newspaper in hand): “Hey Sam. How are things going?”
Sam: “Good. Good. And you?”
You: “Great Sam. How much?”
Sam: “$2.75 sir.”
You: “Ooh. Shoot. Sorry Sam. I’ve only got $2.74. Is that OK? Can I give you the penny tomorrow?”
Sam: “That’s alright. Don’t worry about the penny. You’re a good customer.”
You: “Thanks Sam. I really appreciate it.”

We’ve all been there, right? A day late and a penny short. (LOL). Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us. But this can actually be a big benefit to you and your family. How? Well just follow these six easy steps and you and yours will be socking away more money than you can wrap a fist around.

Step 1: First of all, you can’t pull this off unless you’re in a neighborhood you’re extremely familiar with, i.e. near work or home. Also, this will only work in a densely-populated city. (Ruralites can skip ahead to Chapter 7: Selling Your Hay for Profit.) What you need to do is establish a network of 8-10 bodegas where the workers become familiar with you. This usually takes 6-9 weeks and will require you to visit these establishments at least three times per week. Nothing less will do.

Step 2: Learn the prices of all the items you normally buy. You’ll need to note the exact prices, with tax. Don’t use a notebook for this. It will arouse suspicion. Then, make sure you pay at least the exact amount every time for all of your goods. This builds up a reservoir of good will. From time-to-time, throw them a few extra cents. For example, if something costs $3.98 and you give them $4.00, say something like, “Don’t worry about the two cents.” Waving your hand is a good technique as well, to show them that you’re not the kind of person hung up on a few cents here or there.

Step 3: Establish a rapport. It is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL that you learn the name of everyone who works at these establishments on a regular basis. Keep abreast of worker turnover. Learn some details about each clerk which you can use in conversation. Develop some easy, go-to dialogue, like, “How are the kids, Pete?” or “How did that colonoscopy turn out Jane?” This shows them that you genuinely care about how they’re doing (which you may or may not, depending on your own emotional makeup). Also, learn their schedules because you’ll need this information later on. Schedules can be ascertained with casual interjections like, “Say, you’re a real workaholic. How many hours they got you slaving in this place?”

Step 4: After 6-9 weeks of “getting to know you” time, begin to execute your plan. This timeframe will vary slightly depending on yours and the workers’ personalities, and you want to make sure you don’t begin too soon. Make sure you know exactly what you need to buy BEFORE you go in and how much it will cost TO THE PENNY. Then make sure you have the exact change MINUS ONE CENT. (Any more may eventually arouse suspicion.) When you are rung up at the register, search your pockets and tell the cashier you’re short one cent. Look remorseful. Don’t beg for any handouts. Say, “I can give it to you next time.” Without fail, the cashier will tell you not to worry about the penny . . . if you’ve followed all the above steps.

Step 5: Do this at each store 3 times per week. Most stores have three shifts. Make sure that within any week, you pull the trick only once per shift. No clerk should see you more than one time per week. (You'll need to work out a visitation schedule that fits your lifestyle, but do be advised that midddle-of-the-night bodega runs may occasionally be necessary.) By the next week, the workers at these stores – most of whom are alcoholics and drug addicts and have very poor short term memories – will have forgotten that you already pulled the penny trick on them and you’re free to pull it off again.

Step 6: Repeat for 25 years.

The math adds up folks. Say you follow everything I’m telling you to do. And say you’ve chosen 10 stores to be in your “penny circuit.” Every week you’ll save 3 cents per store, and 30 cents at all the stores combined. Thirty cents per week is about $1.20 per month. That’s almost 16 dollars a year! After 25 years, folks, you’ll have nearly 400 dollars in your piggy bank for that inevitably rainy day you know is just around the next fork in the road. And in these economic times, who couldn’t use an extra 400 dollars? I know I wouldn’t mind that kind of loot falling into my lap right about now.

Now, I know this takes a bit of effort. In fact, it reminds me of my former career as a dentist. People would come into my office and I’d say, “You have to brush, floss and rinse three times a day.” And they’d say to me, “Won’t that take a lot of time, Doc?” And I’d say, “About 10 minutes a day. But you’d gladly give up 10 minutes a day to prevent severe health problems in the future, wouldn’t you?” They knew it was sound logic.

Same goes here. Yes, it might be a little inconvenient to visit bodegas 30 times a week for the next 25 years. But just think of that pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow. In these economic times, we can’t afford to take any possible savings for granted. And the best part? The cost is so minimal for the bodegas, they won’t even notice that they’re helping you plan for your retirement. It's a classic win-win scenario!