Pennies? From Heaven!

Folks:

These economic times have produced some sobering moments for all of us. I have always deemed myself an idealist, but it's impossible to sit around in my ivory tower and ignore what's going on out there in the streets. To that end, I am developing a non-fiction book for people who need some help stashing away a few extra bucks. Not only will this book help so many Americans struggling out there, but I think it's a terrific way to market myself. I could be writing a book that will tap into the zeitgeist of the early 21st century. Plus, it's true, and people like that sort of thing.

Here, friends, is an excerpt from the book I have tentatively titled “Ways to Save: How a Vodka-Loving Bohemian Who Looks Like a Football Player Survived the Crash.” Any insight or advice you can lend would be greatly appreciated before I send this out to prospective publishers. I just hope this helps someone out there who is having trouble making ends meet.

Danny

P.S. I wasn't really a dentist, but I think it makes me sound a little more glamorous. Whatever it takes to sell a few more books, you know?


CHAPTER 6: PENNIES? FROM HEAVEN!

Ever have the following exchange at your favorite convenient store?

You (with Coca-Cola, Hershey’s bar and newspaper in hand): “Hey Sam. How are things going?”
Sam: “Good. Good. And you?”
You: “Great Sam. How much?”
Sam: “$2.75 sir.”
You: “Ooh. Shoot. Sorry Sam. I’ve only got $2.74. Is that OK? Can I give you the penny tomorrow?”
Sam: “That’s alright. Don’t worry about the penny. You’re a good customer.”
You: “Thanks Sam. I really appreciate it.”

We’ve all been there, right? A day late and a penny short. (LOL). Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us. But this can actually be a big benefit to you and your family. How? Well just follow these six easy steps and you and yours will be socking away more money than you can wrap a fist around.

Step 1: First of all, you can’t pull this off unless you’re in a neighborhood you’re extremely familiar with, i.e. near work or home. Also, this will only work in a densely-populated city. (Ruralites can skip ahead to Chapter 7: Selling Your Hay for Profit.) What you need to do is establish a network of 8-10 bodegas where the workers become familiar with you. This usually takes 6-9 weeks and will require you to visit these establishments at least three times per week. Nothing less will do.

Step 2: Learn the prices of all the items you normally buy. You’ll need to note the exact prices, with tax. Don’t use a notebook for this. It will arouse suspicion. Then, make sure you pay at least the exact amount every time for all of your goods. This builds up a reservoir of good will. From time-to-time, throw them a few extra cents. For example, if something costs $3.98 and you give them $4.00, say something like, “Don’t worry about the two cents.” Waving your hand is a good technique as well, to show them that you’re not the kind of person hung up on a few cents here or there.

Step 3: Establish a rapport. It is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL that you learn the name of everyone who works at these establishments on a regular basis. Keep abreast of worker turnover. Learn some details about each clerk which you can use in conversation. Develop some easy, go-to dialogue, like, “How are the kids, Pete?” or “How did that colonoscopy turn out Jane?” This shows them that you genuinely care about how they’re doing (which you may or may not, depending on your own emotional makeup). Also, learn their schedules because you’ll need this information later on. Schedules can be ascertained with casual interjections like, “Say, you’re a real workaholic. How many hours they got you slaving in this place?”

Step 4: After 6-9 weeks of “getting to know you” time, begin to execute your plan. This timeframe will vary slightly depending on yours and the workers’ personalities, and you want to make sure you don’t begin too soon. Make sure you know exactly what you need to buy BEFORE you go in and how much it will cost TO THE PENNY. Then make sure you have the exact change MINUS ONE CENT. (Any more may eventually arouse suspicion.) When you are rung up at the register, search your pockets and tell the cashier you’re short one cent. Look remorseful. Don’t beg for any handouts. Say, “I can give it to you next time.” Without fail, the cashier will tell you not to worry about the penny . . . if you’ve followed all the above steps.

Step 5: Do this at each store 3 times per week. Most stores have three shifts. Make sure that within any week, you pull the trick only once per shift. No clerk should see you more than one time per week. (You'll need to work out a visitation schedule that fits your lifestyle, but do be advised that midddle-of-the-night bodega runs may occasionally be necessary.) By the next week, the workers at these stores – most of whom are alcoholics and drug addicts and have very poor short term memories – will have forgotten that you already pulled the penny trick on them and you’re free to pull it off again.

Step 6: Repeat for 25 years.

The math adds up folks. Say you follow everything I’m telling you to do. And say you’ve chosen 10 stores to be in your “penny circuit.” Every week you’ll save 3 cents per store, and 30 cents at all the stores combined. Thirty cents per week is about $1.20 per month. That’s almost 16 dollars a year! After 25 years, folks, you’ll have nearly 400 dollars in your piggy bank for that inevitably rainy day you know is just around the next fork in the road. And in these economic times, who couldn’t use an extra 400 dollars? I know I wouldn’t mind that kind of loot falling into my lap right about now.

Now, I know this takes a bit of effort. In fact, it reminds me of my former career as a dentist. People would come into my office and I’d say, “You have to brush, floss and rinse three times a day.” And they’d say to me, “Won’t that take a lot of time, Doc?” And I’d say, “About 10 minutes a day. But you’d gladly give up 10 minutes a day to prevent severe health problems in the future, wouldn’t you?” They knew it was sound logic.

Same goes here. Yes, it might be a little inconvenient to visit bodegas 30 times a week for the next 25 years. But just think of that pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow. In these economic times, we can’t afford to take any possible savings for granted. And the best part? The cost is so minimal for the bodegas, they won’t even notice that they’re helping you plan for your retirement. It's a classic win-win scenario!

Allow Me to Re-Introduce Myself . . .

Hello folks. Your friendly neighborhood DanMan, here. And this is the re-boot of my blog after a few months off, during which time I’ve been recharging the ol’ batteries, getting ready for another chapter. I turn 33 this year – same as the number I have tattooed on my right arm for a certain underappreciated basketball legend – so I figure now is as good a time as any. Time is arbitrary anyway.

This is the official launch of a project that has been brewing for years, but for one reason or another has been continually back-burnered. There’s no need to be cryptic; I’ll just get right to it. In November, I will release my second novel, Gadfly, through GaluminumFoil Productions, the arts collective started by Chris Cubeta and me nearly ten years ago. I will also simultaneously release my second spoken word record, tentatively titled Coming Back. I’m fortunate to have musical friends and a performance background that allow me an outlet to promote my novel, as well as experiment with a mostly unexplored genre. Trust me. This ain’t your father’s, finger-snapping, toe-tapping, spoken word. (I really hate that expression, but it does fit here.) We’ve got electric guitars, a cajon and lots of anti-Bill O’Reilly vitriol. Fun stuff.

The idea behind all this is that new writers are being shot down again and again by the realities of the business. If there’s a way we can circumvent all that, a way to get the work out there for people to read and hear without hoping for the help of industry types, whose motives are often dubious, then why not just do it? This is not to say that everyone in the publishing game is bad news; it’s just to say that I don’t want to wait around for ten years (as many of my writer friends have) to get the words out there. As Stephen Wright (not that Steven Wright, but the great novelist) says, “Writing is an act of communication and that act isn’t completed until someone else reads the book. And if that act isn’t completed, then the work is unfinished.” Well, I don’t want to be unfinished anymore.

For those of you who know me, I can be a pretty caustic guy. But I think that’s more persona than anything else. I believe in art. I believe in community. I want writers who are genuinely trying to say something to have the opportunity to say it. I don’t know what the inherent merit of my work is, or if that is even quantifiable. I just know I have to try. When I was 19 years old, I read a bunch of excerpts from Jack Kerouac’s diary in an educator’s magazine lying around my parents’ house. I was so moved by Jack’s simple ache to communicate his experiences on this planet, I wanted to do the same. Despite all the change of the intervening years, that desire has not wavered. To quote yet another terrific writer, Steve Almond, literature is simply “an ongoing discussion about what it means to be human.” Words for all artists to live by, I think.

I toyed around with a few new names for the blog, but ultimately I think I’ve landed upon exactly the right title for two reasons: 1.This is, indeed, a “place for my stuff.” It will contain my words, my thoughts, my ideas, my dreams, my secrets, my longings, my insane and/or inane ramblings. In other words, all the “stuff” that is most dear to me. 2. Perhaps more importantly, the title is a tribute to one of the men who remains a daily inspiration, a man with more faith than all the fundamentalists combined. Ol’ George Carlin, the disappointed idealist, who stayed true until his death, who was convinced that everything on earth – all the love and beauty and ineffable truth we can feel and taste and imagine – was reason enough to believe, and was pissed off when humankind kept fucking things up in the name of religion, or patriotism, or pride, or any one of those false cloaks human beings use to protect themselves from the essential agnosticism of being alive.

I’ll post the first few chapters of Gadfly on here in the coming months for those of you who didn’t read them the first time around. Along the way, there will be some creative detours. Hopefully. Sometimes I like to break away from fiction. Wax poetic. Or eschew lyricism altogether to directly address something on my mind. I even hear there is some Professor fellow by the name of G. Daniel who may want to get in on my action. That’s fine. I’m ready for him.

I have so many wonderful and talented friends who are working at a similar task as the one I have undertaken. Their integrity and intelligence and willingness to expose themselves at the risk of embarrassment and ugliness and disappointment are the fuel for this entire endeavor. I hope that when all is said and done, this will be about so much more than me. Because there are people who deserve to be heard and read and acknowledged a helluva lot more than I do, people who have paid more dues, had their hearts more hopelessly mangled than I have.

And so this is a call to arms. Facebook is nice and all, but 140 characters (or whatever the limit is now) can’t possibly capture the complexity of our common struggles – the good, the bad and the ambiguous – and so why wait around for the agents and publishers and all those well-meaning folks who simply don’t understand the urgency? It’s a new era, a new time.

Let’s fight to get it back again.

Danny